Head under water

I feel like I'm under water but not drowning. Is a strange feeling, a mixture of warm hands and cold stomach, of a sudden emptiness and fear. What I fear the most in this life is loneliness and I fight the idea of being lonely till the end of my life. But then the morning comes and tears dry off and the world seems less scary than yesterday. I'm suddenly in the mood for going out, having a coffee in town, dressed out, with a nice make up, despite the pain I woke up with.
My loneliness is also a consequence of my sincerity and I find myself reflecting on my choices. And then I realize that I'm scared of my own choices, of their effects on my future, that the decisions I made are not right, I might have been wrong and chased the right person away from me in a bad moment, and that now I'll endure everything by myself. I'm scared of my own way of thinking, I hate to be drastic to people, or reject them, it kills me or my consciousness. Why am I so frail at this? Why do I meet people that are not meant to be and why do I have to be the one to hurt them? I hate that, it makes me hate myself, and it make me feel like a bad person, a heartless one. I want a change, a want a miracle, I want to be grateful!